So I started taking violin lessons again. It’s super stressful, as I knew it would be. Every time I play, I am reminded of my mom. It’s so weird that something that used to make me so happy has such a different effect on me now. I guess the only reason I am thinking about that is that yesterday was mother’s day. It was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. I know I am going to have days like that, but I forgot just how miserable they really are. You go so long without crying that when something like that hits you, it’s hard to stop. Anyways, it was rough. But thankfully, my friends are starting to come home and I will no longer be on my own.
Saturday night I went to a Taylor Swift concert with one of my best friends. Other than the show being absolutely unbelievable, I had forgotten just how much I love Tswift. She is just such a genuinely wonderful person and was so sweet throughout the whole night. What was so memorable for me though, was one of her intros to a song. She sat down at the piano to sing “All Too Well” and started talking about how she wrote the song. She said something that really hit home for me, which is that sometimes you are in so much pain and are overcome by so much sadness that you don’t know how to express it. Sometimes you know what you’re feeling, but often times we don’t. And what are you supposed to do if you can’t express to people how you are feeling? Or, if you are a musician, how are you supposed to write a song about your feelings and emotions if you can’t distinguish them or figure out what it is exactly that you are experiencing. I totally get that now in a way that I never have before. I’ve never been a great song-writer but with any art form I suppose that applies. She said that what she does is that she tells the story of how she got to those feelings, but in the moment that she is feeling that way (if that makes sense). What happened from start to finish. For whatever reason, I love that. Literally tell a story, which is what the song she was about to sing is- a story. As I listened to her sing it, I was sobbing. I mean whoever the song was about, it clearly is a painful memory for her. Even still, the way I was able to relate to the song without experiencing exactly the same ting as her was amazing. I’ll never forget it. It makes me appreciate her music even more than I did before and next time I’m in a slump I’ll give that a try. Okay, done with my Tswift rant. She’s great. Moving on.
Things haven’t been too bad, otherwise. Considering everything, I guess. I’m glad that I have the summer to look forward to and my job, which I love so much. And spending time with my friends who I haven’t seen in months! Even though I’m still kind of mad at some, I’ve been too lonely to pass up any opportunities to hang out with them. Anyways, soon enough I’ll be back at college with my own work and issues to handle and won’t have time to stress about others. I never thought I would say this, but I am looking forward to that. To not having to think so much about what my friends are doing or saying to each other, or why we haven’t spoken in weeks, or what they’re saying about me. Because that is all I’ve been doing for months. And now, I don’t care. I’ve never really been a part of the drama, but since I’ve been home for the semester I have actually craved it because then I was in contact with people, which is definitely kind of sad. But I am excited about not having to think about anyone else but me and my school work. Selfish, I know, but I’ve spent too much time worrying and thinking about them and not enough about me. I’m ready to move on with my life and go back to college :)